SIx Week Update

Since Deb's passing and Celebration Service, Vern's been to Arkansas to retrieve the new furniture that Deb picked out and enjoyed last year in the condo. Deb had some old furniture she had long wanted to replace in our home, so I replaced the old with the condo furniture. I also have cleared out most of Deb's clothing after giving friends and family first pass. We had lots of meds and supplies that had to go. Several weeks of flu-like sickness followed along with some skin cancer surgery and recovery of my own. Even today I am coughing and wheezing.

Grieving is a very personal thing and I assure you that there has been much grieving! Tonight I listened to Deb's Celebration Service again on a CD. Then I listened to the piano music that Deb's 50 year friend Lisa recorded for Deb and to which Deb listened all during her stressful treatments.

I miss that gal!

Since most of the pix in the blog show Deb with her disease, I thought I'd post some pix  of before-myeloma. They were of happier times!

I have struggled with what to do about the blog and think I may do several more pages to summarize our battle with myeloma and then sign off. I will continue my writings on a different blog site whose address will be released soon.

Blessings!
Vern

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Happy Days!

CLICK TO ENLARGE

Flu

Flu ongoing

Merry Christmas!
Vern

Home again, home again, lickity split

Bottom Line: Back in Georgia, everything unloaded, big items in place, old items to new homes

On the road again with Vern

Sunday evening friend Tim and I flew Delta to Little Rock to retrieve the furniture and personal items still in the condo. While waiting in the Delta boarding area, classmate Israel and his son Jacob came to catch the same flight to Arkansas enroute from NYC. Israel was glad to see me but was very dismayed to hear about Deb.

When we arrived in Arkansas our friend Carla and her son picked us up at the main airport in Little Rock (LIT) which was recently renamed in honor of the Clintons. Initially, following standard naming protocol, it was to be named the Hillary and Bill Clinton International Airport. However, there was a real uproar in town because locals were afraid it would become known as Hil-Billy International, so they reversed the name order.

We left the big airport and Carla drove us to the smaller airport where LWC (Little White Car) was parked. Then Carla followed us to the wonderful Mexican Restaurant we had eagarly anticipated...which closed as we were walking in. So, off to a pizza joint. After all, it was after 9 pm on a Sunday night.

Thanks Carla and Samuel!

Tim and I stayed at the condo. We hopped up at 6 am and had breakfast at IHOP. We were at the uHaul place soon after it opened. We soon had our truck back at the condo. Both of Carla's sons volunteered to help us along with neighbors. A friend from 1972 named Buster Godbee called and soon was over helping along with our condo neighbor.

The condo was furnished with new furniture that Deb picked out. Back home she had wanted to replace some items for years. So, I brought the new items back to Georgia and replaced the old stuff with the new that Deb loved for the 6-7 months we had it in the condo.

We did not know that Deb would be gone so quickly, but even so, she enjoyed picking out the condo, the furniture, and her beloved treasures from the Hillcrest junk store. You see, Deb had very short endurance, and on Sundays after leaving the hospital we would drive by the junk store where I could park just outside the door and help her into the store where she would look over that week's offerings. She would pick out inexpensive decorator items for the condo like ten dollar lamps and small tables.

Well, we didn't need those items back in Georgia, so I called the store owner who came to the condo and bought them all back. He say's it is common in his 30 year store operation to buy and sell the same items over and over again. It did us a great service because he cleared it all out of the condo.

After packing up and saying our goodbyes, we hitched LWC to the big truck and hit the road. The route is basically about 550 miles thru Memphis,Tn,   Oxford,Ms,  Tupelo,Ms, Birmingham,Al, and into Atlanta. We left Little Rock about 11:30am and hit our Georgia home 12 hours later around midnight. Then I drove Tim home.

Early this morning some friends came over and helped unload the truck, haul out the old, bring in the new, and encourage me greatly. I dropped the truck off 25 hours after leaving Little Rock. What a trip!

Now tonight as I sit in Deb's sun room, the old couches have been replaced by Deb's new ones and it looks so good. She would be so proud and I am ever grateful that her sense of decor and good tastes will live on.  Deb had very high standards and I miss her so!

Son Stephen came down this afternoon and we had a delightful visit and some Chinese food. He has to work tonight.

Blessings! Special thanks to all who helped us!

Saturday-lonely around here! +UAMS

Today is one week since Deb's Celebration. Last Saturday was a full day being surrounded by friends and family. Today has been very quiet and lonely.

I got up very early and began cleaning out Deb's old medicines, toiletries, a school supplies, etc. Everywhere I turn I am reminded of Deb and her interests and talents. For example, she once found a bunch of feathers which she promptly turned into an attractive arrangement in a vase. She visioned the arrangement: all I could see was feathers!  Deb had an artist's eye!

Most of the flower arrangements from last Saturday are now gone. I cleaned out the frig since after a week things were beginning to, in Deb's vernacular, 'go blinky!'

This week I dealt with notifications of Deb's death with Social Security and the Ga Teachers Retirement so they can halt Deb's payments. Still things to do like change property titles, etc.

Plans are to fly into Little Rock Sunday night with a friend and spend the night at the condo. A friend there will pick us up and drive us up to the North Little Rock airport to get LWC. Then we will drive to the condo and probably visit an excellent Mexican restaurant around the corner from the condo. Monday morning we will pick up the uHaul between 7-8 am and load her up. Then we will hook LWC to a tow rig and begin the 2 day drive home.

Deb picked out new furniture for the condo and I plan on replacing the old stuff at the Georgia house with Deb's selection which she so enjoyed picking out and living with in Arkansas. Over the years she wanted new stuff in Georgia but due to my frugal nature, she made do mostly with early attic. I have a tinge of guilt over not doing better for her. Another tinge overcomes me as I think that now only I will enjoy the new stuff: sorry Debs.

There may not be a post for several days as I might be hindered during travel. If so, check back Tuesday or so!  I sometimes feel like Deb and I created a living 'soap opera with our saga and some of you have become addicts of our adventure. If you are, know that it means so much for me to be able to join a conversation and recognize that you have read these words and are 'up to date' on our happenings. To me is this is more than a curiosity on your part: I take it as a demonstration of love and support. I can emote with this blog in ways I cannot do by conversation. Can you 'read' my tears?

Thank you!

Blessings all!

P.S. Just picked up the mail and found cards from UAMS indicating receipt of gifts in Deb's honor. Thanks, donors! Gotta find a cure so YOU and YOURS don't have to go thru this.

DONATIONS
UAMS Myeloma Institute for Research and Therapy
http://myeloma.uams.edu/donation

Friday- Christmas Parties

I got a call from Trey around lunch saying that he and his family had arrived safely back in Brussels. PTL!

I worked today and came home after work for a short nap. Man, was I bushed! I am living in fatigue. I'll be glad when I am not so tired.

Tonight we had our company Christmas party. It was a sit down meal for the families with games, live music, gifts, and is very family friendly. Last year Deb was able to put on her happy face and attend like we have for 23 years. It was strange to be alone this year.

Afterwards I dropped by a friends home where my airplane group was having its Christmas party. Sixty friends who have built planes like mine were there.

At both locations it was hugs and encouragement. For many it was the first encounter with me since Deb passed. It is such an awkward moment for so many because they do not know what to say or how to act. I get it! That's the same way I feel when I am in the same circumstances. But as Deb used to say, we need to have a ministry of presence, especially when words fail us. Just be there!

Another friend sent this poem:

God has not promised
Skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways
All our lives through.

God has not promised
Sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow,
Peace without pain.

But God has promised
Strength for the day,
Rest for the laborer,
Light for the way,

Grace for the trials,
Help from above,
Unfailing sympathy,
Undying love.

Blessings!

Thursday - SS and Small Group

Many folks have sent cards to our family and I've read each one with it's printed message and the note hand written on the card to us personally. They have meant so much to us and we appreciate the comforting thoughts expressed.

Today a card came from a friend with a particularly poignant poem.
Author unknown:

God's Gift of Time

we all need a time to grieve-quiet time for reflection
to sift through memories
and come to grips
with what has happened.

we all need a time for tears,
not for the one who is now
at peace in heaven,
but for ourselves as we realize
that things will never be the same.

we all need a time to just 'be,'
when we can open ourselves to God
and let the reassurance
of his everlasting love
start to heal our broken hearts.

This is my need right now: a time for grief, for tears, and to 'be'

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Today begins the first time I've been alone in months. Trey, Katka, and Evelyn left today and will soon be back in Belgium. Here is their position as I write.

I began the day at the local Social Security office. Deb had begun her modest SS when she turned 62 on the ides of March. Since her death was in Nov, this months check must be returned but  I was qualified as a surviving spouse for the SS death benefit-all $255.00 !

Then I headed to work until lunch with Trey and family. They wanted Mexican since it is hard to get in Brussels. After that it was time to take them to the airport for the international flight. Before we left I carried little 2.5 year old Evelyn around the yard showing her the trees and plants. She kept asking for Bobbie-Debbie, her name for Deb. How do you explain where she is to a two year old?

Tonight the small group that Deb and I have been in for years met. One of our group had just returned from weeks in Moldova where he helped children and the elderly in that impoverished country. After he shared I was given the floor to share where I am and what life has been like for the past few weeks. This group has been our core support for the myeloma adventure.

Simon and Garfunkle were wrong: I am NOT a rock! I am NOT an island! I need th elove and support of others and am so grateful to have it.

Sunday evening I hope to fly to Little Rock. I have a uHaul reserved for Monday morning and hope to load and start back to Georgia with the furniture that Deb enjoyed in the condo so much. I'm going to replace some old stuff at home with the stuff Deb picked out.

Tomorrow night is the company Christmas party and I remember how hard it was for Deb to dress and attend the last few years, but she did it, all the while smiling and glowing in the interaction with our friends. When she got home she was shot!

Deb was a real trooper!
I miss her so much. Tonight I held our wedding snapshots and thought of that day thirty-eight years ago and realize what I have lost. Read the poem above again.

Blessings!

Weds-Pastor's Msg at Deb's Celebration

December 12, 2012

The Bright Sadness of Suffering-Gary Franklin

Re-posted with his permission

In the past month our church has shared in the suffering of two of our families. For one it was the death of a grandson who suffered two strokes at birth and lived six short weeks. For another it was the death of a wife, mother and grandmother after a three-year journey with cancer. As the stories were shared (the first in a moving interview two Sunday's ago and the 2nd in an equally moving memorial service last Saturday) we found ourselves in 'sacred space' as we witnessed two of our own displaying remarkable grace in the face of their suffering.

A phrase came to mind that beautifully captures what we've seen in our friends - "a bright sadness". It's the capacity to honestly embrace the sadness of our struggles and suffering with a courage, hope and faith that burn so brightly our lives take on an attractive and magnetic character.
The New Testament describes this bright sadness as life being displayed through death.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned;struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake,so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you (II Corinthians 12:7-12).

When 'the life' of Christ's presence is alive and at work within us our suffering speaks deeply to the hearts of people. When we embrace life as it's given to us with faith our example draws others into the bigger story of God's providence for them.

But I know myself all too well. Suffering (however it comes) goes right to the core the 'false self' patterns that play such a big role in my story. My desire for safety and securety cause me to look at suffering as something to be avoided at all costs. And do I try...

Father thank you for the examples of friends whose lives display your presence in such powerful ways. I need such stories. They stir my soul and invite me to step outside the safe confines of my small world into the larger space of your purposes. Deepen within me a trust so authentic that when a day comes that I'm called upon to suffer my life would display the bright sadness of your presence within me. 

Fighting For Your Hearts,

Gary

http://theleadersheart.typepad.com/

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Our pastor Gary spoke this core message at Deb's celebration last Saturday. There were a number of speakers. I posted Amanda's talk already.

 Thanks, Gary!

Today was a workday with a few deeds needed in the transition I'm going thru. I spoke to our insurance loss counselor about Deb's and received some good advice. I also tried dealing with the Social Security folks over the phone but found it impossible to get thru. I plan on going to the local office in person tomorrow morning.

I still have furniture in the Arkansas condo and a friend and I are planning on taking Delta out on Sunday PM , loading a uHaul, and towing LWC back home Monday and Tuesday. We could use a strong back in Arkansas on Monday morning and several in Georgia Tuesday. vern  @  mindspring.com  or 770  310-7169

Tomorrow afternoon Trey, Katka, and Evelyn are heading back to Brussels.  I will miss them.

Tuesday-Kids Still here

Deb made this 5 x 7 gift in 2004. It has hung by my closet door all these years. Tonight as I gazed upon it and re-read the words I have so often read, my eyes swelled with tears. It's as if Deb thanked me in advance for all we've been through.

It's by the countless small deeds of our life we are best known.

Thank you, Vern,  for your countless deeds of love.

Deb Darley
2004

Trey, Katka, and Evelyn are still here.They fly out to Belgium on Thursday afternoon. This evening I babysat Evelyn for about an hour and a half so Trey and Katka could have time together.

Today I went back to work. Everyone was so kind to me. I also filed some insurance forms to begin the process for what lies ahead.

Our whole family has enjoyed the 25 year old movie, The Princess Bride. Tonight Trey, Katka, and I watched it again. Deb would laugh so hard every time she saw it.

Little 2 1/2 year old Evelyn has been asking for 'Bobbie-Debbie'. That's her lingo for Grandmother Debbie. Amanda's kids called Deb 'Mimi'. But, in Evelyn's Czech language, Mimi means baby. So, 'Baby-Debbie' did not make sense to her.

Some Pix from Deb's Service-UPDATE

Estimates were that between 350 and 400 attended.  See text below the pix
 Click to enlarge

Gray Suit = Stephen, Deb's youngest son. Vern in blue suit,Vern's parents behind Stephen

Momʼs final years-By daughter Amanda
I like to share about my mom and these last three years. She was transformed in her suffering. 

I will never forget the days after mom was diagnosed. It was a scary confusing time, and my mom was in so much pain. Each day she lost mobility and got worse. Many of you came around us, and saw her as she suffered with seven crushed vertebra. But even in those moments she was trusting Jesus. The day we decided to go to Arkansas for treatment Gary came over and prayed with us. Mom said “make it clear Jesus”, and at that moment the phone rang with a message from her insurance company that they would cover the treatment at UAMS. That seemed clear to her. 

That first trip she was fearful, in pain and scared of more pain. Iʼll never forget that she “didnʼt do needles” She was trying to be in control in a very out of control situation- and insisted on being sedated for the painful bone marrow 

I feel momʼs life came into sharp focus. Mom always loved the Lord, but she changed over the course of these last few years. If you talked with her then you know what I mean. She stayed fully engaged in our lives, and would always asked about me first. It didnʼt matter what was going on she wanted to know everything that was happening in my life. Rarely did we hang up the phone without her praying. She slipped from conversation to prayer and back into conversation so seamlessly. Mom had learned to rest completely in Jesus. Iʼm really going to miss her. 

I donʼt know how to describe these last few years other then everything seemed so much richer. The moments with her were rich. 

She stayed fully engaged in life here. As her world got smaller due to her illness she filled it up. Whether making jewelry, picking out side tables for the condo, or dreaming up the perfect Christmas gift for her grandbabies. She lived fully with the strength she had. Dad was right there with her. They delighted in little trips for take out or to a favorite restaurant. They would drive me around to look at pretty neighborhoods in Little Rock. She pushed herself to stay involved and lived with hope. Mom was full of joy, and spread that to everyone she came in contact with. Mom and Dad spent 100% of there time together especially this last year. They still liked each other. Being around them was fun. They were content to sit together and laughed about so much. They made rituals and had little names for everything. 

Mom kept saying dad was in the LWC for example like I should automatically know what she was talking about. Ah... of course their Little White Car that was so generously given to my parents. 

This was infectious and all the nurses and medical staff entered into their fun. Mom would pray with everyone. People told her so much, and loved her deeply. Wherever I

went with my Dad people would stop and talk to us. It could be the hostess at a local restaurant, a lady at the bakery she loved, the pharmacist, techs, orderlies. Mom would be in pain or have just received news of a setback, but she wouldnʼt focus on that. She cared deeply about others, and would smile and hear what they had to say. She truly melted away and Jesus came shining out. 

Mom talked about heaven a lot, and that was a special topic this last month in the hospital. She told me she would close her eyes, and could see beautiful lights. Of course she said this could just be because her eyes were old, or some reaction to all the meds she was on. But the next trip out she was so excited to share a youtube video of Louis Giglio preaching on Psalm 148. In it he talked about the Stars and how the US listens to what is happening in the universe and the stars have songs. We watched the videos and worshiped together. Heaven felt so close. 

When I arrived last week she excitedly told me she could see Mrs. Owens and her Dad cheering her on. We talked about the stars and what she would see again. It was clear that we were in a holy space. I canʼt describe her passing with any other words then awe. It felt sacred. Moms eyes were moving, and I know she was seeing what is described in Psalm 148. 

Mom always said “Either way I win” and I most definitely won having her as my mom. I wanted to share Psalm 148 with you, and then we will watch a clip of the video that mom loved so much. 

Psalm 148
Praise the Lord!
Praise the Lord from the heavens;
praise him in the heights! Praise him, all his angels;
praise him, all his hosts! Praise him, sun and moon,
praise him, all you shining stars! Praise him, you highest heavens,
and you waters above the heavens! Let them praise the name of the Lord!
For he commanded and they were created. And he established them for ever and ever;
he gave a decree, and it shall not pass away. Praise the Lord from the earth,
you great sea creatures and all deeps, fire and hail, snow and mist,
stormy wind fulfilling his word! Mountains and all hills,
fruit trees and all cedars! Beasts and all livestock,
creeping things and flying birds!

Kings of the earth and all peoples, princes and all rulers of the earth!
Young men and maidens together, old men and children!
Let them praise the name of the Lord,
for his name alone is exalted;
his majesty is above earth and heaven.
He has raised up a horn for his people,
praise for all his saints,
for the people of Israel who are near to him.
Praise the Lord!

Short video clips

 

 

From my very first post-Vern

VernonMarch 31, 2010 4:44 PM

How quickly life can change!

A few days ago, we were helping Deb thru a suspected back injury with all sorts of treatments. All of a sudden, the 'C' word!

Where did that curve ball come from ?

I've found that all thru life, the big events, the disasters,the emergencies, the temptations, have all come on suddenly: turn a corner and there they are ! Face to face with it.

The other observation I have is that when I don't know where I'm going, it is important to have a guide or a map, and it is encouraging to have friends along on the journey with us.

Fortunately, we have all three.

Thanks friends!

Grand Celebration + update

Deborah McIntyre Darley of Peachtree City

Deborah Leah McIntyre Darley of Peachtree City passed away Thursday, Nov. 29, 2012 at UAMS in Little Rock, Ark. where she had spent the last 2.5 years battling multiple myeloma.
Deb was born March 15, 1950 in Selmer, Tennessee.
Deb moved to Albany, Ga. in 1962 and graduated from Valdosta State University with a degree in Mathematics. Deb was quick to laugh, and always up for any adventure her friends or family cooked up. She loved projects of any type: jewelry making, painting, and renovations, traveling with her husband of 38 years in their airplanes. Deb was an FAA certified ground instructor and a certified instructor in art clay silver.

Deb loved her friends and family deeply, and had a lively mind and was a lifetime follower of Jesus.
She impacted many lives during her years teaching math and reading at McIntosh High School after having homeschooled her three children.
Deb is survived by husband Vern, son Trey and Katka Darley of Brussels Belgium, daughter Amanda and Jon Swindall of Atlanta, son Stephen Darley of Atlanta, grandchildren Evelyn Darley, Eliana and Parker Swindall, mother Doris Gean, and brother Timothy McIntyre of Warner Robins.
Celebration of Life Saturday Dec. 8, 2012 at Grace Evangelical Church, 164 Flat Creek Trail, Fayetteville, Ga.

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I did not personally snap any photos yesterday at the service. Others did and when they send themto me I will post the good ones. So, check back because it was an incredible event.

Deb's life was celebrated in style today. The facility was packed. The flowers were amazing. The speakers powerful and right-on in their comments concerning Deb. The music worshipful.

Afterwards, many came to our home for the afternoon. Several ladies from church ran the kitchen and laid out a feast for us. Thanks cooks and servers!

We had a multi-relational group today. We had relatives. We had Church friends.
We had airplane friends. We had Owen's gang friends.

The Owens gang gathered around the piano and Lisa played. We sang from the same songbooks we used in the '70's. I even had 4 original folding chairs that Mrs Owns had given me.

My two sons made special comment on how glad they were to hear us sing together again after all these years.

Plenty of pix were taken but I do not have them yet. To be posted later.

Deb was honored and remembered by all.

Blessings!